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wading / canvas

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

The preceding months have been very emotionally challenging (for the silliest reasons), and I've been having a great difficulty dealing with my emotions; probably because I've never had to deal with them entirely by myself. I've always been alone in my life, but it's been a while since I had to feel lonely alone. The absence of my family and best friends - people who have known me all my life - really make a difference, as much as I try to not let it. Feeling lonely without these people who mean the most to me in my life by my side is confusingly terrifying, and at times it feels like nothing makes any sense and I am stuck in a hazy mist while the world seems like an endless chaos, perpetually moving without pausing for me to catch up. I feel like a helpless child, lost and wandering alone in a crowded mall, unable to recognize any familiar faces; eager and desperate for someone to pick me up, embrace, console, and reassure me that everything is fine while I comfortably release my long-withheld sobs.

Just when I thought things were getting better, things got worse again and that's when I decided I needed to get out of school. And so I visited the beach this past weekend with Nathalie. It's quite silly how I never go to the beach despite my professed love for it, considering the fact that it is only a fifteen-minute drive away from campus. I really needed to be by the sea again; the clear blue, endless waters that were as far as my eyes could see. To feel my feet on the soft sand again, with the warmth of the sun on my skin and soft breeze against my hair, hear the waves flirting back and forth with the shore and smashing recklessly against the boulders and smell the aroma of ocean was the pure bliss that was missing in the chaos I was in.

There are several different sides of my personality, but I feel like there might only be essentially two main parts of it: my inner, true self and my social self - the person who I appear to be daily. I remember when they used to be one and the same, but they no longer are anymore, haven't been so for awhile, and probably won't be for a long time. Despite this, I discovered my inner self from traveling and became so attuned with it that I didn't think it was possible to lose touch with it so soon. Being by the ocean helped me rediscover my inner self and reminded me of who I really am. It's challenging to always stay connected with it, especially when I am surrounded by people I don't know well, because when I am my true self, I am most vulnerable and sensitive.

So I guess it's about finding a balance between being my inner self and my social self then, as it is with everything else in this universe. Restoring balance. Reconnecting to my inner self and never forgetting or losing it, while maintaining my social self to get by in this world. This is probably the most difficult part - differentiating the parts of my personality that makes me who I truly am, and the parts of my personality that I've always had but can be changed so I can be better. It's like wading through murky water to find clear blue water to cleanse myself.

Once again, my experiences in these past few months have taught me that I can never learn enough about myself, and I will never know all of me; because everyday I am changing and growing. Everyday, I am painting the infinitesimal details of a vast, raw canvas that I am unable to view, because I am painting it; and unable to admire, because it isn't completed yet. But just because I don't see it doesn't mean that it isn't beautiful.
















l.a.

Thursday, October 16, 2014

A couple of weeks ago, a few of my newly made friends and I decided to take a day-trip to Los Angeles since there was a Philippino-American Arts Festival and my roommate is Philippino American. This was my first time actually seeing LA, which I was really excited about and these are some photos (and a short, rather pointless video at the end of the post) I took from our day there.