cold sweat

Sunday, June 28, 2015

Two months ago, on a really rough week I had, on a particularly bad day, I was having a hard time feeling like wanting to do anything - I didn't want to go to class, go to work, leave my room, or even get out of bed; much less going into the gym to work out. But I forced myself to do all of these mentioned, and still had a horrible day...until I finished working out in the gym and suddenly felt so good about myself for still choosing to go about my daily life even though I was facing all these inner struggles, fighting all of the monsters in my head.

And when I returned to my room from the gym, all sweaty and feeling good, I felt genuinely good about how I looked for the first time in a really long time. So I decided to set my camera up on the tripod and start taking self-portraits of myself while my lovely roommate was obliviously going about his business on his side of our room. I had never done this before, but I was feeling so in love with my body that I decided to just go with it.

It took me so long to put these photos up because I really struggled with being okay with letting everyone I know see this. I've shown them to my close circle of family and friends, but putting them online for the world to see... I wasn't ready for that kind of exposure. How fucked up is it for us to feel ashamed of our own skin and to think that it has to look a certain way for it to be deemed visibly acceptable? But today, I've ran out of fucks to give and I've decided to shamelessly put these photos of myself up on my blog for myself.

Yes, myself. I'm doing this for me. I'm doing this for my thirteen-year-old self who so badly wanted rhinoplasty because I felt like my nose was too ugly. I'm doing this for my fourteen-year-old self who cried all the time because I felt like I was too ugly and fat, and was teased for feeling that way. I'm doing this for my fifteen-year-old self who had been struggling with anorexia and bulimia for two years. I'm doing this for my sixteen-year-old self who hated himself so much he couldn't bear to take a glance in the mirror. I'm doing this for my current nineteen-year-old self, who has finally, after a long, arduous, and rocky journey, learned how to accept, embrace, and love my body, and my self.

I am thankful that I've learned, and am still learning everyday, that I am more than my face and my body. I'm thankful that I'm learning to treat my body and self with respect. I am thankful that I'm learning to be kind to myself, and to know that I am more than the physical impermanence of my body, and that I will grow and change in ways inside and out throughout my life.

This is my one hundredth blog post. I started this blog three years ago in the summer of 2012, when I was still starving myself hoping to look skinny so I could feel good about myself. And I am incredibly grateful that those days are over. And so, I dedicate this 100th blog post to me, myself, and I.

I am being vain; very vain indeed. But vanity's never killed anyone, has it? I am rubbing my self-love all over my blog, because I feel like I deserve this much. Plus I actually (literally) worked my ass off for months to get to where I am today. This is for the younger versions of myself who never thought he could feel beautiful. You are fucking beautiful, Alaska. I also wish to thank my amazing friends and family who helped me get to where I am, for inspiring me to accept myself, be kind to myself, and to WERK it out! You know who you are, and I fucking love y'all.

Tomorrow, I will be embarking on a trip around Asia; a trip I've had my mind set on and have been working hard and saving for for months. I will once again venture into the world and continue learning about the world, people, and myself. I plan to travel for two months, and honestly, I probably don't even have enough savings to last me that long, but I'm going to make it happen. This shall also be my last blog post for awhile, as I wish to stay disconnected from social media throughout my travels. I'm going to take a break off of lovely social media, explore the world, and return in a couple of months! Goodbye friends, it's been a wonderful year, and I look forward to returning.


Sunday, June 21, 2015

I'm in Malaysia visiting my relatives and I decided to meet up with Cai May, one of my Malaysian classmates. She lives in Subang, not too far from where my aunt lives so we decided to spend the day around her neighborhood! We spent the entire day going from one eatery to another, chatting about many things as Cai introduced me Malaysian dishes I've never heard of or seen, despite my Malaysian background. It appears I don't know Malaysia as well as I thought I did! We ate at six different places before concluding our foodventure at the Malay food street, where there were lots of local Malaysian food and pastries, since it was the first day of Ramadan.

I didn't take my camera along (as it was under repairs), so all photos were taken using Cai's digital compact camera. I was really impressed by its quality despite it's compact size! All photos were taken by me, except the ones of me (which were obviously taken by Cai haha).